Or: where I’ve been and some bad jokes about the Kentucky Derby
Hello. It’s been a minute.
I know I haven’t ever promised regular updates, but as far as any of you are concerned, I’ve been dead. There are a few reasons for that.
One is that I’ve started keeping a journal. Cliché, I know. To reference a very stupid inside joke: It’s very Shipman-coded of me.
I honestly just needed space to air out my thoughts between therapy sessions. My therapists (all three of them) have been telling me to do this since I was 14, but I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.
So, what does that have to do with this website?
I just don’t have anything to say. Maybe that’s lame, but all my recent writing has been either school-related or immensely personal, and I am not yet unwell enough to post the latter thoughts anywhere but a tumblr blog with zero followers.
The second reason is that I’ve been writing for and editing a magazine that is released monthly, and that kind of schedule has been wreaking havoc on my free time.
I just don’t have the time to meticulously read statute anymore. I beg your forgiveness in this matter and consider it resolved.
On to the bad jokes:
Today was the Kentucky Derby, but like every year, I didn’t watch the race. I reread one of many pieces in the Jamie Loftus oeuvre that I can’t stop thinking about (as is tradition) and watched several soccer games in between trips to the mechanic (a first-time ref got hit in the head so hard he almost passed out and a player had to lean over and blow his whistle to stop play. I now stan Jamie Vardy for this reason alone).
Unfortunately, not watching the race did not free me from the three (yes, three) separate texts I received about the horse favored to win, a colt named Journalism.
I understand why my loved ones thought it necessary to inform me, as that is indeed a very funny thing to send to someone muddling through journalism school finals at this very minute.
The boy in question bred two great Wall Street Journal headlines:
“The Smart Money’s on Journalism to Win” in the print edition, a sentence never before said in human history, and
“Can Journalism Save Horse Racing?” online, which is funny on a more meta level, as no one I know reads about horse racing in the newspaper.
Not to be the bearer of bad news, but if you read that headline and bet on Journalism to win, you’ve lost money. I’m sure every person who has ever owned a newspaper or independent journalistic outlet sympathizes with your bad bet.
Journalism did not win (does it ever?), he was beaten by another horse named Sovereignty.
It’s a damn shame.
We almost lived in a world where every journalist was happy, not because a horse bearing the name of their craft prevailed, but because there was a possibility he was beaten by a horse named Publisher.
The jokes write themselves. Here are a few headlines I wrote for the alternate universes where horses with funnier names bested Journalism. Enjoy.
Journalism Kept from Prize by Publisher
In a predictable upset, Journalism was no match for Publisher’s winning strategy
Journalism Bested by Chunk of Gold
Betting on Chunk of Gold turned out to be a safer play than backing Journalism, experts not surprised
American Promise Denies Journalism the Win
Journalism routed by American Promise, a force backed by powerful industry veterans and commanding a hefty price tag
Journalism Relegated to Obscurity by Render Judgment
In a shocking turn of events, Render Judgment denied Journalism the fruits of his labor
Thank you, thank you. I would say I’ll be here all week, but we both know that isn’t true. If you’d like to read the publication I’m working on, you can find it here.
I may be biased, but the stuff in there is pretty good.
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